[ ayaka doesn't think so. siffrin was angry, siobhan was angry...if richard had stepped in sooner, the powder keg would have simply exploded sooner than it did.
ayaka sighs, staring fixedly at her nails. ]
I'm not sorry for what I did. [ though she didn't necessarily enjoy getting stabbed. ] But I am sorry for worrying you.
[ and she is angry at herself for essentially playing into siffrin's hand. ]
[ ...... the lack of an answer to her question seems to be one in of itself. No, he guesses it wouldn't have changed anything – or, like he said, it could've been worse. Perhaps he would've just messed things up, just like...
His shoulders sag a little bit, and he sighs. ] You didn't have to do that, Ayaka. I would've been able to...
[ His voice trails off, like he's lost the train of thought. He knows she knows he can take that. But it's not the point, as much as he wants it to be. ]
They were still targeting you. [ They could've done much, much worse than a stab to the shoulder. ]
[ suddenly raising her voice, ayaka feels the anxiety of earlier come over her like a shock of electricity. she knows now that they had been baiting her and she hates herself for falling for it. how could she be so naive?
she has no argument against him, however. she recognizes that she was terrified and that it clouded her judgement until it was too late. bringing her legs close, she leans her forehead against her knees, her hands to the sides of her head. frustrated, she groans. ]
I know. I did the exact thing that I get angry at you for.
[ His gaze snaps back over to her as her voice rises, his eyes widening slightly. The lingering anger he's exuding seems to be cut in two, by a skilled swordsman or just someone with a really sharp knife.
What gets left behind is more unsettling. That worry that something would happen to her sits in his chest like a lead weight, much like the feeling as she leaned against him with Siffrin in her shoulder. He knows he should've stopped them before they even had the chance to move. But he didn't. Maybe he lost his conviction, again, like when he'd failed in his test with the golden Archer.
... But that's not true, right? Because of Ayaka, they're still here. Throughout their time here, she's shown her resolve over and over again, even when he feels like she didn't even need to. He's more than happy for her to rely on him for whatever she needs, but to go to such lengths...
The bed bends slightly as he shifts, turning to her fully as he lowers his head to her, in a brief, slight bow. ]
I'm sorry. [ ... ] Thank you.
[ He could probably get mad about it, but she's clearly already plenty mad for the both of them.
So, he's fine with just focusing his hostility toward Siffrin. ]
Why are you saying sorry? I'm the idiot that fell for a trap.
[ though she said she wouldn't apologize for what she did, she does feel the need to do so lodged in her throat. though she can feel richard shifting in the bed, her only response is to try and make herself smaller. perhaps, if she makes herself small enough, she'll simply disappear.
maybe it'd be better that way. it would make siffrin and siobhan happy both, at least.
but then would that not be spitting in the face of the kindness and forgiveness that everyone in the primrose villa gave them? it's such a selfish way of thinking, and ayaka is quickly disgusted with herself for having even considered it. really, she doesn't deserve any of this kindness.
after a few shuddering breaths, ayaka lowers her hands from her head, though still keeping them close to her chest. ]
I should be the one thanking you... so thanks. For helping me. [ she laughs softly, though there's nothing but self-deprecating bitterness in it. ] It hurt a lot more than I thought it would.
[ mostly because she hadn't been thinking at all in the first place. ]
[ Richard would argue that no, he didn't do much to help, aside from being there to hold onto Siffrin in case they tried doing anything else to hurt her. That even though he anticipated it, he should've been able to stop it from happening in the first place.
He doesn't say any of that, naturally, as he slowly exhales. He can see that she's trying to make herself smaller, so he doesn't try to encroach further than he already has. ]
While not an ideal spot to be hit in, it's certainly not the worst. [ He thinks about saying something about the shoulder being where Pierre hit him, but?? Maybe talking about the thing that eventually killed him is a little insensitive here??? ] It's fortunate that Andrew let us use her items.
[ ayaka breathes out a heavy sigh, turning her head slightly to glance at saber from the corner of her eye. behind her glasses her eyes are misty, but richard taking the lead in the conversation helps her relax a little bit. even as she uncurls slightly, her expression is dark as she thinks about the little capybara that her friend now apparently inhabited.
andrew... if she had only been brave enough to actually speak up, would andrew still be here with them? how dare she call herself andrew's friend, when she sold her out so mercilessly? the guilt of her death weighs on her shoulders heavily, and she can't help but laugh bitterly. that should be her, not andrew. ]
I called her my friend when I'm the one that caused her death. [ she laughs softly, self-derisive and bitter. ] I really am the worst.
[ It's a gentle correction, more of an off-handed comment than any kind of firm reminder. He knows that she knows that. But he still cannot help but try and readjust the shift of blame here. He knows it should all be on him, but even he's not stupid enough to try and do that now. ]
I do not disagree with questioning the decision, but I'm still thankful to her all the same. Siffrin does not deserve the satisfaction of letting any lingering wounds remain.
[ ayaka responds with silence, as she finds herself unable to disagree. she kept her composure for as long as she could so that he could live with the frustration of not having knocked her down. the pain on her shoulder when they pulled the knife out had been hot and sharp, different from the crushing feeling on her chest that she would get whenever the guilt became overwhelming.
she could handle one or the other. she did her best to withstand both of them when she was in front of everyone, and even now with saber, but... ]
I'm so tired, Saber.
[ it's an exhaustion that goes beyond her physical state. four weeks of this has worn at ayaka's mind, stretching her thinner and thinner with each day. how much will it take until she snaps under the weight? she knows that she shouldn't be complaining, that saber and others have had it far worse than her but... she's so exhausted. she wishes that she didn't feel this anger towards siffrin and siobhan. she wishes that she didn't have to live every day with guilt and fear sticking to her like a shadow.
really, if she didn't have to care anymore, it would be so much easier. ]
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no subject
[ ayaka doesn't think so. siffrin was angry, siobhan was angry...if richard had stepped in sooner, the powder keg would have simply exploded sooner than it did.
ayaka sighs, staring fixedly at her nails. ]
I'm not sorry for what I did. [ though she didn't necessarily enjoy getting stabbed. ] But I am sorry for worrying you.
[ and she is angry at herself for essentially playing into siffrin's hand. ]
no subject
His shoulders sag a little bit, and he sighs. ] You didn't have to do that, Ayaka. I would've been able to...
[ His voice trails off, like he's lost the train of thought. He knows she knows he can take that. But it's not the point, as much as he wants it to be. ]
They were still targeting you. [ They could've done much, much worse than a stab to the shoulder. ]
no subject
[ suddenly raising her voice, ayaka feels the anxiety of earlier come over her like a shock of electricity. she knows now that they had been baiting her and she hates herself for falling for it. how could she be so naive?
she has no argument against him, however. she recognizes that she was terrified and that it clouded her judgement until it was too late. bringing her legs close, she leans her forehead against her knees, her hands to the sides of her head. frustrated, she groans. ]
I know. I did the exact thing that I get angry at you for.
no subject
What gets left behind is more unsettling. That worry that something would happen to her sits in his chest like a lead weight, much like the feeling as she leaned against him with Siffrin in her shoulder. He knows he should've stopped them before they even had the chance to move. But he didn't. Maybe he lost his conviction, again, like when he'd failed in his test with the golden Archer.
... But that's not true, right? Because of Ayaka, they're still here. Throughout their time here, she's shown her resolve over and over again, even when he feels like she didn't even need to. He's more than happy for her to rely on him for whatever she needs, but to go to such lengths...
The bed bends slightly as he shifts, turning to her fully as he lowers his head to her, in a brief, slight bow. ]
I'm sorry. [ ... ] Thank you.
[ He could probably get mad about it, but she's clearly already plenty mad for the both of them.
So, he's fine with just focusing his hostility toward Siffrin. ]
no subject
[ though she said she wouldn't apologize for what she did, she does feel the need to do so lodged in her throat. though she can feel richard shifting in the bed, her only response is to try and make herself smaller. perhaps, if she makes herself small enough, she'll simply disappear.
maybe it'd be better that way. it would make siffrin and siobhan happy both, at least.
but then would that not be spitting in the face of the kindness and forgiveness that everyone in the primrose villa gave them? it's such a selfish way of thinking, and ayaka is quickly disgusted with herself for having even considered it. really, she doesn't deserve any of this kindness.
after a few shuddering breaths, ayaka lowers her hands from her head, though still keeping them close to her chest. ]
I should be the one thanking you... so thanks. For helping me. [ she laughs softly, though there's nothing but self-deprecating bitterness in it. ] It hurt a lot more than I thought it would.
[ mostly because she hadn't been thinking at all in the first place. ]
no subject
He doesn't say any of that, naturally, as he slowly exhales. He can see that she's trying to make herself smaller, so he doesn't try to encroach further than he already has. ]
While not an ideal spot to be hit in, it's certainly not the worst. [ He thinks about saying something about the shoulder being where Pierre hit him, but?? Maybe talking about the thing that eventually killed him is a little insensitive here??? ] It's fortunate that Andrew let us use her items.
no subject
[ ayaka breathes out a heavy sigh, turning her head slightly to glance at saber from the corner of her eye. behind her glasses her eyes are misty, but richard taking the lead in the conversation helps her relax a little bit. even as she uncurls slightly, her expression is dark as she thinks about the little capybara that her friend now apparently inhabited.
andrew... if she had only been brave enough to actually speak up, would andrew still be here with them? how dare she call herself andrew's friend, when she sold her out so mercilessly? the guilt of her death weighs on her shoulders heavily, and she can't help but laugh bitterly. that should be her, not andrew. ]
I called her my friend when I'm the one that caused her death. [ she laughs softly, self-derisive and bitter. ] I really am the worst.
no subject
[ It's a gentle correction, more of an off-handed comment than any kind of firm reminder. He knows that she knows that. But he still cannot help but try and readjust the shift of blame here. He knows it should all be on him, but even he's not stupid enough to try and do that now. ]
I do not disagree with questioning the decision, but I'm still thankful to her all the same. Siffrin does not deserve the satisfaction of letting any lingering wounds remain.
no subject
[ ayaka responds with silence, as she finds herself unable to disagree. she kept her composure for as long as she could so that he could live with the frustration of not having knocked her down. the pain on her shoulder when they pulled the knife out had been hot and sharp, different from the crushing feeling on her chest that she would get whenever the guilt became overwhelming.
she could handle one or the other. she did her best to withstand both of them when she was in front of everyone, and even now with saber, but... ]
I'm so tired, Saber.
[ it's an exhaustion that goes beyond her physical state. four weeks of this has worn at ayaka's mind, stretching her thinner and thinner with each day. how much will it take until she snaps under the weight? she knows that she shouldn't be complaining, that saber and others have had it far worse than her but... she's so exhausted. she wishes that she didn't feel this anger towards siffrin and siobhan. she wishes that she didn't have to live every day with guilt and fear sticking to her like a shadow.
really, if she didn't have to care anymore, it would be so much easier. ]