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[ she tenses for a second when she feels richard move, but she lets out some of the tension with a sigh when she recognizes that it's not a rejection, but him returning the gesture.
having always preferred solitude, she realizes that she's unused to any type of affection. therefore, she's not sure about what to do next. should she pull away? not when he's leaning on her as well, right?
she lets out another shaky breath. uncertain, but never quite willing to give up. ]
Yeah. This is fine... it's nice.
[ she doesn't deserve nice. she'll take it anyways. ]
having always preferred solitude, she realizes that she's unused to any type of affection. therefore, she's not sure about what to do next. should she pull away? not when he's leaning on her as well, right?
she lets out another shaky breath. uncertain, but never quite willing to give up. ]
Yeah. This is fine... it's nice.
[ she doesn't deserve nice. she'll take it anyways. ]
[ He thumbs the ribbon attached to part of his armor that's been getting remade every time they all reset at the start of the week. She's right about Primrose, at least – the way that some stepped up for them on Tuesday just cements that. But still, it still feels transient, somehow. Perhaps it's just the knowledge that either way, at the end of their journey and the Grail War, he's destined to simply return to the Throne, with or without the wish.
When Ayaka voices her opinion about being in the way, he animates a little more, the mild displeasure apparent in his face and tone. ] Perish the thought! You could never be a hindrance or a bother. Was it not your quick thinking that led everything surrounding Blade turning into a frog leading us to victory?
[ And besides, wasn't he the real hindrance? She should've been able to live on her own terms, without having to worry about what he'd do or what trouble he'd inevitably drag her into. Hell, isn't the chain events that's unfolded mostly because of what he led her to do? ]
You are stronger than you think, Ayaka. These last few weeks have been nothing but proof of that.
When Ayaka voices her opinion about being in the way, he animates a little more, the mild displeasure apparent in his face and tone. ] Perish the thought! You could never be a hindrance or a bother. Was it not your quick thinking that led everything surrounding Blade turning into a frog leading us to victory?
[ And besides, wasn't he the real hindrance? She should've been able to live on her own terms, without having to worry about what he'd do or what trouble he'd inevitably drag her into. Hell, isn't the chain events that's unfolded mostly because of what he led her to do? ]
You are stronger than you think, Ayaka. These last few weeks have been nothing but proof of that.
[ when saber mentions blade's frog turning, ayaka...laughs. it's not loud or obnoxious, but a small, sudden pearl of laughter that disappears like a trick of the light. what remains from that is a rare smile and a feeling of lightness that feels strange to her.
she shouldn't laugh about it, and she knows it. and yet, she can't help but find it funny how absurd that moment was. ]
I don't know if I could call that quick thinking. It felt more like I was flailing around.
[ but saber calls her strong and she... doesn't know what to say to that. has she really grown that much these past few weeks? ]
Honestly... if it had been just me, I probably would have confessed to it immediately. But you were there so... I guess I wanted to protect you. I know you'll go back to the Throne or wherever once we go back and the war ends, so you're probably ready to die, but it's different to me here.
[ she can't help it. after so much time together, ayaka has realized that she has gotten attached. and while the eventual parting will come one day or another, she will do everything that's in her control to make sure it doesn't come a day sooner. ]
she shouldn't laugh about it, and she knows it. and yet, she can't help but find it funny how absurd that moment was. ]
I don't know if I could call that quick thinking. It felt more like I was flailing around.
[ but saber calls her strong and she... doesn't know what to say to that. has she really grown that much these past few weeks? ]
Honestly... if it had been just me, I probably would have confessed to it immediately. But you were there so... I guess I wanted to protect you. I know you'll go back to the Throne or wherever once we go back and the war ends, so you're probably ready to die, but it's different to me here.
[ she can't help it. after so much time together, ayaka has realized that she has gotten attached. and while the eventual parting will come one day or another, she will do everything that's in her control to make sure it doesn't come a day sooner. ]
Edited 2025-04-06 17:45 (UTC)
[ His gaze snaps back over to her as her voice rises, his eyes widening slightly. The lingering anger he's exuding seems to be cut in two, by a skilled swordsman or just someone with a really sharp knife.
What gets left behind is more unsettling. That worry that something would happen to her sits in his chest like a lead weight, much like the feeling as she leaned against him with Siffrin in her shoulder. He knows he should've stopped them before they even had the chance to move. But he didn't. Maybe he lost his conviction, again, like when he'd failed in his test with the golden Archer.
... But that's not true, right? Because of Ayaka, they're still here. Throughout their time here, she's shown her resolve over and over again, even when he feels like she didn't even need to. He's more than happy for her to rely on him for whatever she needs, but to go to such lengths...
The bed bends slightly as he shifts, turning to her fully as he lowers his head to her, in a brief, slight bow. ]
I'm sorry. [ ... ] Thank you.
[ He could probably get mad about it, but she's clearly already plenty mad for the both of them.
So, he's fine with just focusing his hostility toward Siffrin. ]
What gets left behind is more unsettling. That worry that something would happen to her sits in his chest like a lead weight, much like the feeling as she leaned against him with Siffrin in her shoulder. He knows he should've stopped them before they even had the chance to move. But he didn't. Maybe he lost his conviction, again, like when he'd failed in his test with the golden Archer.
... But that's not true, right? Because of Ayaka, they're still here. Throughout their time here, she's shown her resolve over and over again, even when he feels like she didn't even need to. He's more than happy for her to rely on him for whatever she needs, but to go to such lengths...
The bed bends slightly as he shifts, turning to her fully as he lowers his head to her, in a brief, slight bow. ]
I'm sorry. [ ... ] Thank you.
[ He could probably get mad about it, but she's clearly already plenty mad for the both of them.
So, he's fine with just focusing his hostility toward Siffrin. ]
Why are you saying sorry? I'm the idiot that fell for a trap.
[ though she said she wouldn't apologize for what she did, she does feel the need to do so lodged in her throat. though she can feel richard shifting in the bed, her only response is to try and make herself smaller. perhaps, if she makes herself small enough, she'll simply disappear.
maybe it'd be better that way. it would make siffrin and siobhan happy both, at least.
but then would that not be spitting in the face of the kindness and forgiveness that everyone in the primrose villa gave them? it's such a selfish way of thinking, and ayaka is quickly disgusted with herself for having even considered it. really, she doesn't deserve any of this kindness.
after a few shuddering breaths, ayaka lowers her hands from her head, though still keeping them close to her chest. ]
I should be the one thanking you... so thanks. For helping me. [ she laughs softly, though there's nothing but self-deprecating bitterness in it. ] It hurt a lot more than I thought it would.
[ mostly because she hadn't been thinking at all in the first place. ]
[ though she said she wouldn't apologize for what she did, she does feel the need to do so lodged in her throat. though she can feel richard shifting in the bed, her only response is to try and make herself smaller. perhaps, if she makes herself small enough, she'll simply disappear.
maybe it'd be better that way. it would make siffrin and siobhan happy both, at least.
but then would that not be spitting in the face of the kindness and forgiveness that everyone in the primrose villa gave them? it's such a selfish way of thinking, and ayaka is quickly disgusted with herself for having even considered it. really, she doesn't deserve any of this kindness.
after a few shuddering breaths, ayaka lowers her hands from her head, though still keeping them close to her chest. ]
I should be the one thanking you... so thanks. For helping me. [ she laughs softly, though there's nothing but self-deprecating bitterness in it. ] It hurt a lot more than I thought it would.
[ mostly because she hadn't been thinking at all in the first place. ]
[ Ayaka's laugh immediately works through him, seemingly healing the slight knit in his brow like a cure-all. Maybe anywhere else it would be appropriate to make light of what happened, but there is something about the absurdity of it all that makes hard to not laugh at. Especially when she's smiling at him the way that she is – he'd say it was a cute look on her, but maybe that's not the most appropriate at the moment. ]
I'm glad that you did not. [ confess immediately, he means. ] I know the group would have been sympathetic, but opening yourself up for any kind of targeting is the last thing I want to happen.
[ Which, admittedly, he's a little worried about what the next few hours will bring. If she wakes up again, can he even be sure that he'll rouse again, much less wake up in time to intervene? He almost failed her before – he wasn't even able to stop Shiv before it was too late, what's to say he gets lucky again?
...
He shakes his head, sighing with a reassuring smile. ] I guess being together helps ensure that we do not inadvertently destroy ourselves along the way, does it not?
[ Even if he doesn't really touch on it, she's not wrong about his feelings about being ready to die if it came down to it. But, she's right about another point: things are very different here. Even for him. ]
I'm glad that you did not. [ confess immediately, he means. ] I know the group would have been sympathetic, but opening yourself up for any kind of targeting is the last thing I want to happen.
[ Which, admittedly, he's a little worried about what the next few hours will bring. If she wakes up again, can he even be sure that he'll rouse again, much less wake up in time to intervene? He almost failed her before – he wasn't even able to stop Shiv before it was too late, what's to say he gets lucky again?
...
He shakes his head, sighing with a reassuring smile. ] I guess being together helps ensure that we do not inadvertently destroy ourselves along the way, does it not?
[ Even if he doesn't really touch on it, she's not wrong about his feelings about being ready to die if it came down to it. But, she's right about another point: things are very different here. Even for him. ]
I... guess we're both... kind of self-destructive, aren't we?
[ with richard pointing it out, the fact is fairly clear for ayaka. and while she's always known her worst habits, having them pointed out so nonchalantly by her servant adds a new layer of embarrassment to it. she threw herself into the knife out of a desperate and unnecessary desire to protect richard the same way that he let himself be turned into a pincushion by the golden servant in a feeble attempt to protect the church she was hiding in.
and what would he have done, had someone started to doubt her during that trial? would he have threatened to turn that trial into a bloodbath and destroyed every good relationship he had just to protect her?
she doesn't ask; she thinks she knows the answer. instead she leans, resting her head on richard's arm, staring ahead. ]
But I... I have to admit that I'm glad you're here. And...selfishly...I'm glad that the majority didn't vote for you. [ may those words never reach siffrin. she knows that he doesn't deserve to have died in either of their stead, nor did andrew deserve to have her life taken in response to that, but... ] I don't know what I would have done if that had happened.
[ would that have been the straw that broke the camel's back? would she have tried to sway the others' opinions on her and get them to vote for her instead or would she have shut down and watched it all happen in horror. the uncertainty of it scares her, and she can't help but be glad it never happened. ]
So thanks... for staying with me this whole time. Even if I was probably a lot of trouble sometimes.
[ richard might as well be an angel considering how much he had to take care of her. ]
[ with richard pointing it out, the fact is fairly clear for ayaka. and while she's always known her worst habits, having them pointed out so nonchalantly by her servant adds a new layer of embarrassment to it. she threw herself into the knife out of a desperate and unnecessary desire to protect richard the same way that he let himself be turned into a pincushion by the golden servant in a feeble attempt to protect the church she was hiding in.
and what would he have done, had someone started to doubt her during that trial? would he have threatened to turn that trial into a bloodbath and destroyed every good relationship he had just to protect her?
she doesn't ask; she thinks she knows the answer. instead she leans, resting her head on richard's arm, staring ahead. ]
But I... I have to admit that I'm glad you're here. And...selfishly...I'm glad that the majority didn't vote for you. [ may those words never reach siffrin. she knows that he doesn't deserve to have died in either of their stead, nor did andrew deserve to have her life taken in response to that, but... ] I don't know what I would have done if that had happened.
[ would that have been the straw that broke the camel's back? would she have tried to sway the others' opinions on her and get them to vote for her instead or would she have shut down and watched it all happen in horror. the uncertainty of it scares her, and she can't help but be glad it never happened. ]
So thanks... for staying with me this whole time. Even if I was probably a lot of trouble sometimes.
[ richard might as well be an angel considering how much he had to take care of her. ]
[ Richard would argue that no, he didn't do much to help, aside from being there to hold onto Siffrin in case they tried doing anything else to hurt her. That even though he anticipated it, he should've been able to stop it from happening in the first place.
He doesn't say any of that, naturally, as he slowly exhales. He can see that she's trying to make herself smaller, so he doesn't try to encroach further than he already has. ]
While not an ideal spot to be hit in, it's certainly not the worst. [ He thinks about saying something about the shoulder being where Pierre hit him, but?? Maybe talking about the thing that eventually killed him is a little insensitive here??? ] It's fortunate that Andrew let us use her items.
He doesn't say any of that, naturally, as he slowly exhales. He can see that she's trying to make herself smaller, so he doesn't try to encroach further than he already has. ]
While not an ideal spot to be hit in, it's certainly not the worst. [ He thinks about saying something about the shoulder being where Pierre hit him, but?? Maybe talking about the thing that eventually killed him is a little insensitive here??? ] It's fortunate that Andrew let us use her items.
I'm surprised she did. She shouldn't have.
[ ayaka breathes out a heavy sigh, turning her head slightly to glance at saber from the corner of her eye. behind her glasses her eyes are misty, but richard taking the lead in the conversation helps her relax a little bit. even as she uncurls slightly, her expression is dark as she thinks about the little capybara that her friend now apparently inhabited.
andrew... if she had only been brave enough to actually speak up, would andrew still be here with them? how dare she call herself andrew's friend, when she sold her out so mercilessly? the guilt of her death weighs on her shoulders heavily, and she can't help but laugh bitterly. that should be her, not andrew. ]
I called her my friend when I'm the one that caused her death. [ she laughs softly, self-derisive and bitter. ] I really am the worst.
[ ayaka breathes out a heavy sigh, turning her head slightly to glance at saber from the corner of her eye. behind her glasses her eyes are misty, but richard taking the lead in the conversation helps her relax a little bit. even as she uncurls slightly, her expression is dark as she thinks about the little capybara that her friend now apparently inhabited.
andrew... if she had only been brave enough to actually speak up, would andrew still be here with them? how dare she call herself andrew's friend, when she sold her out so mercilessly? the guilt of her death weighs on her shoulders heavily, and she can't help but laugh bitterly. that should be her, not andrew. ]
I called her my friend when I'm the one that caused her death. [ she laughs softly, self-derisive and bitter. ] I really am the worst.
It was not just you who caused it, Ayaka.
[ It's a gentle correction, more of an off-handed comment than any kind of firm reminder. He knows that she knows that. But he still cannot help but try and readjust the shift of blame here. He knows it should all be on him, but even he's not stupid enough to try and do that now. ]
I do not disagree with questioning the decision, but I'm still thankful to her all the same. Siffrin does not deserve the satisfaction of letting any lingering wounds remain.
[ It's a gentle correction, more of an off-handed comment than any kind of firm reminder. He knows that she knows that. But he still cannot help but try and readjust the shift of blame here. He knows it should all be on him, but even he's not stupid enough to try and do that now. ]
I do not disagree with questioning the decision, but I'm still thankful to her all the same. Siffrin does not deserve the satisfaction of letting any lingering wounds remain.
...
[ ayaka responds with silence, as she finds herself unable to disagree. she kept her composure for as long as she could so that he could live with the frustration of not having knocked her down. the pain on her shoulder when they pulled the knife out had been hot and sharp, different from the crushing feeling on her chest that she would get whenever the guilt became overwhelming.
she could handle one or the other. she did her best to withstand both of them when she was in front of everyone, and even now with saber, but... ]
I'm so tired, Saber.
[ it's an exhaustion that goes beyond her physical state. four weeks of this has worn at ayaka's mind, stretching her thinner and thinner with each day. how much will it take until she snaps under the weight? she knows that she shouldn't be complaining, that saber and others have had it far worse than her but... she's so exhausted. she wishes that she didn't feel this anger towards siffrin and siobhan. she wishes that she didn't have to live every day with guilt and fear sticking to her like a shadow.
really, if she didn't have to care anymore, it would be so much easier. ]
[ ayaka responds with silence, as she finds herself unable to disagree. she kept her composure for as long as she could so that he could live with the frustration of not having knocked her down. the pain on her shoulder when they pulled the knife out had been hot and sharp, different from the crushing feeling on her chest that she would get whenever the guilt became overwhelming.
she could handle one or the other. she did her best to withstand both of them when she was in front of everyone, and even now with saber, but... ]
I'm so tired, Saber.
[ it's an exhaustion that goes beyond her physical state. four weeks of this has worn at ayaka's mind, stretching her thinner and thinner with each day. how much will it take until she snaps under the weight? she knows that she shouldn't be complaining, that saber and others have had it far worse than her but... she's so exhausted. she wishes that she didn't feel this anger towards siffrin and siobhan. she wishes that she didn't have to live every day with guilt and fear sticking to her like a shadow.
really, if she didn't have to care anymore, it would be so much easier. ]
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