[ no, the library is his mess to keep. though had anyone been gravely injured from it, then maybe the story would have been different.
with that agreed upon, however... ]
Uh... well, yes, but...
[ now that she thinks about it, it's a little strange. that was the only memory that she saw of richard's that didn't involve that odd man's intervention. so was he purposefully trying to connect her to those times? she's not sure. ]
Listen, the only reason I didn't tell you at first was because I didn't think it was real. I mean, think about it from my perspective— it's a lot to take in when a guy comes in driving a car in old Europe. But um, I think that guy called Saint Germain or whatever has also been showing me parts of your past. Talking to me through you. Like when you met him and when...
[ she saw red and white mixed together in the most macabre painting. she draws in a shuddering breath as the sight of siobhan's corpse and all of those come together in her mind. ]
When I saw all those people that were killed. During one of your wars, I guess.
[ Realization seems to dawn on him as it sort of all clicks together. That would explain why he would randomly start doing strange rituals like that, wouldn't it? Which sort of begs the question of how he knew that in the first place, but after a certain point he's kind of accepted that he barely knew what Saint Germain was really up to.
When she mentions the massacre, though, his hands pull back from hers. He was afraid of this happening, even if might've just been an inevitability. ]
You actually saw it?
[ He knows Saint Germain had something about looking away and covering ears. They'd finally made their pact official by that point, so maybe it's not surprising, but... ]
[ she shrinks back when saber pulls his hand from her, her hands held together against her chest so tightly that she can feel her nails pressing into her skin. her heart pounds with fear; she shouldn't have said this. she should have kept her mouth shut and kept it to herself, just like how it seems that she'll be keeping these murders for the rest of her life.
ashamed of her mistake, she hangs her head, staring at a blank space on the couch between them. ]
I didn't want to turn a blind eye to who you are. If I only knew one side of you and ignored the rest then... then what kind of Master... no, what kind of person would I be? [ though that gets her to laugh bitterly. she's no good as either, it seems. ] So I saw it. And it really was one of the worst things I've ever seen but...
[ but... ]
It hasn't stopped me. From wanting to be your Master. Or from wanting to make your wish come true. Because you're more than just that to me. You're a headstrong, stubborn, and fearless idiot, but you've been nothing but kind to me, caring for me this whole time, even when I was rude to you and pushed you away. You've saved my life so many times that I don't think I could ever repay you for it. And your wish is... it's beautiful, Saber. I can't imagine a more beautiful wish to see fulfilled by the Grail.
[ and that's why it hurts to know that she can't be the one to fulfill it. as she is now, it's fine, since she has no powers and no way to corrode saber's values, but imagining how different things could be is enough to turn her blood to ice. ]
[ For as proud as he is, the worry is clearly etched on Richard's face. It's not something he ever wanted her to see, to not have to worry about when there was already so much danger around them in Snowfield. She shouldn't have to see him in this light when he's already dragged her through so much suffering as it is.
... But that wouldn't be her, would it? Even when she wasn't his Master, she had no problems with him as he was, except when getting mad when he tried pulling stupid moves to protect her. She was worried about betraying him. That she would end up selling him out, when it wasn't even the smallest of worries for him?
But it's clear to him, as she speaks, that that's something she didn't even need to worry about. ]
Don't.
[ It's a quiet request for her not to leave, but he coughs to clear his throat. ]
I'm not a good person, Ayaka. But I'd hoped that you wouldn't have to see most of my sins, in some sort of selfish wish to shield you from the worst of it. Fate may have had other plans, but it does not mean that this is something that you need or deserve to have on your shoulders.
[ They're sharing so much of the consequences, he feels he needs at least this. All he can do is take and take, and this is just the logical next step, right? ]
But if it will not stop you from being my Master, then I have no choice but to take that resolve, too. After all, I would never have finally found my wish for the Grail without you. This does not happen without you here.
[ He reaches out and takes her chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting her head up so he can meet her gaze again. ]
[ with her head still hanging low, her eyes open wide when she hears saber ask her to stay. in the back of her head, she doubts it as anything other than an auditory hallucination, a desperate desire for some sort of comfort after everything in the past two days.
but as he keeps talking, about how he's not a good person and how he wanted to protect her from that part of himself, she realizes that these are saber's genuine emotions. with her heart pounding in her chest, she wants to refute that she couldn't have possibly done anything to help saber come up with such a beautifully selfless wish, when all she does is take from and bring ruin to others-- but nothing comes out.
and then he's tilting her head up so delicately that she doesn't resist it. looking up, her blue eyes meet saber's red, and she hears his genuine request once more. ]
[ it's a beautiful scene, she realizes. like straight out of a movie, with a girl and her prince. selfishly, she can't help but feel a small joy over this, along with relief that saber would ask her to stay--but that is quickly suffocated by the truth she has been avoiding this whole time.
she glances down, and then back up at richard. ]
I have one more thing that I need to tell you. It's... it's about myself...about what I remembered about myself in Snowfield, right before coming here.
[ once again, she's afraid. afraid of whether it will change his perception of her and how. now that she's unable to look away from him, however, she feels like she has no choice but to face the truth. ]
[ Richard blinks, having forgotten that she had just remembered right before they woke up here. She had said something about her lying to him at the start of all this, hadn't she? Is that what this is about? ]
What did you remember?
[ He knows it's not going to matter either way, but he can see the worry on her face. ]
[ perhaps? a funhouse reflection of herself, magnified and distorted by all the changes that were forced onto her. ]
I just had so much guilt over being given this body... I had...have so much blood on my hands because of what I am that I guess it wasn't hard for that woman to use magecraft or whatever on me to make me think she was a curse that would chase me all the way into the Holy Grail War.
[ and yet the girl had never actually meant her harm, did she? she smiled at her, wished her good luck... maybe, despite it all, she was only meant to serve as a guide, rather than a fearsome ghost. ]
I... don't know. I've been struggling to figure that out.
[ the humanoid creature torn apart by humans. the little red riding hood of the semina apartments. the mysterious 'person A' who was haunted by the same girl. all of them molded into the same person, a false reflection of ayaka sajyou. ]
While we were in Snowfield, did you ever feel anything off about me? Like you were being influenced or...or something?
[ there's a flash of emotion across ayaka's face. surprise, followed by relief, and ultimately confusion. ]
I guess the thing is that... when I'm around people they... I don't know how to describe it. [ she shakes her head. ] I guess the best way to put it is that they go crazy. I'm...not that different from Ish...or from what I've heard about the Holy Grail. I grant wishes but, they never bring anyone happiness. It just drives them insane until eventually they destroy themselves.
[ what would she call it? greed? ayaka can't help but see herself as a sort of bad omen, a creature that amplifies people's greed until they self-destruct. so what does it mean, if saber's never felt himself affected by it? or is her innate trait just that imperceptible? ]
So I thought that, if I were around... I would end up ruining your wish. I'm scared of that, you know. I know you said that you're not a good person but for that reason, I don't want to dirty something so beautiful!
[ Richard's eyes flicker somewhat at the mention of Ish, but otherwise he's fairly steady as Ayaka explains it to him. Could she be affecting him without her knowing? It's possible, but he would've thought that someone in his retinue would have said something by now, and after all their time together...
The worry in his expression fades, that easy smile back on his lips again. ] I assure you, Ayaka, if you've affected me at all up until this point, I haven't been able to tell. Besides, I'm the same as I've ever been during our time here, right?
[ He pokes himself in the cheek a few times, like he's testing the elasticity of his skin. ]
If I had lost myself by now, I'm sure you probably would've been able to tell and put my head back on straight.
[ For all the greed and rage he has simmering under his skin at all times, wouldn't she have had made things worse by now if it was affecting him? Perhaps whatever loyalties to the knight class that's been encoded in him as being summoned as a Saber is enough to resist it? He's got no clue. ]
So I don't see any reason why that you could ever ruin it. I told you – without you, I wouldn't have even come to that realization of what I wanted it to be after so long. You could never dirty it.
I see. I was worried about nothing this whole time, then?
[ nothing to saber, at least. to ayaka, it was almost everything. it felt like she had been deceiving saber, leading him on and towards disaster without neither of them being aware about it. and yet here he is, proudly saying that ayaka could never ruin his wish with that same easy-going smile as ever.
that's right... he hadn't changed one bit from their time in snowfield, had he? he was still the same person that had so stupidly saved her in the opera house and got her arrested.
feeling the sting of tears in her eyes again, she takes off her glasses and sets them aside so that she can properly rub her eyes. this time, however, they're tears of relief. ]
I'm glad, then. I-- I didn't... I didn't want to let you go. I thought I had to but I didn't want to. So I'm glad.
[ glad that she can stay with saber to watch him fulfill his wish. glad that she's not affecting him. and, perhaps, glad that she can be just a little selfish sometimes.
taking a leap of faith, ayaka leans forward to wrap her arms behind richard's neck and pull him into a hug. ]
[ He tenses up as Ayaka wraps her arms around him, stiffly letting himself be pulled in but otherwise as his brain does a full-on reset. ]
A-Ayaka –
[ It takes a good few beats for him to regain his faculties, blinking a few times. He does eventually return the gesture, though, pulling her closer as he wraps his arms around her.
He chuckles shakily at that, trying to will his ears to stop being red. ] You always worry about the silliest things.
[ Even if she was somehow corrupting him, truth be told, he's not completely sure he'd mind that much. It's not like he's ever really stopped himself from being so selfish, after all. If he was dragged down with her as a result, then so be it. ]
[ as saber pulls her close, she realizes just exactly what she had done. thank whatever deity is above that in this position saber can't see the red on her face and that her hair covers her ears.
but she doesn't pull away. instead, she buries her face in saber's shoulder, groaning in embarrassment. ]
Ugh, I'm sorry. I...didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.
[ after all of this, the last thing she needs to be doing is causing more trouble for saber. ]
[ she tenses for a second when she feels richard move, but she lets out some of the tension with a sigh when she recognizes that it's not a rejection, but him returning the gesture.
having always preferred solitude, she realizes that she's unused to any type of affection. therefore, she's not sure about what to do next. should she pull away? not when he's leaning on her as well, right?
she lets out another shaky breath. uncertain, but never quite willing to give up. ]
Yeah. This is fine... it's nice.
[ she doesn't deserve nice. she'll take it anyways. ]
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no subject
with that agreed upon, however... ]
Uh... well, yes, but...
[ now that she thinks about it, it's a little strange. that was the only memory that she saw of richard's that didn't involve that odd man's intervention. so was he purposefully trying to connect her to those times? she's not sure. ]
Listen, the only reason I didn't tell you at first was because I didn't think it was real. I mean, think about it from my perspective— it's a lot to take in when a guy comes in driving a car in old Europe. But um, I think that guy called Saint Germain or whatever has also been showing me parts of your past. Talking to me through you. Like when you met him and when...
[ she saw red and white mixed together in the most macabre painting. she draws in a shuddering breath as the sight of siobhan's corpse and all of those come together in her mind. ]
When I saw all those people that were killed. During one of your wars, I guess.
no subject
When she mentions the massacre, though, his hands pull back from hers. He was afraid of this happening, even if might've just been an inevitability. ]
You actually saw it?
[ He knows Saint Germain had something about looking away and covering ears. They'd finally made their pact official by that point, so maybe it's not surprising, but... ]
no subject
[ she shrinks back when saber pulls his hand from her, her hands held together against her chest so tightly that she can feel her nails pressing into her skin. her heart pounds with fear; she shouldn't have said this. she should have kept her mouth shut and kept it to herself, just like how it seems that she'll be keeping these murders for the rest of her life.
ashamed of her mistake, she hangs her head, staring at a blank space on the couch between them. ]
I didn't want to turn a blind eye to who you are. If I only knew one side of you and ignored the rest then... then what kind of Master... no, what kind of person would I be? [ though that gets her to laugh bitterly. she's no good as either, it seems. ] So I saw it. And it really was one of the worst things I've ever seen but...
[ but... ]
It hasn't stopped me. From wanting to be your Master. Or from wanting to make your wish come true. Because you're more than just that to me. You're a headstrong, stubborn, and fearless idiot, but you've been nothing but kind to me, caring for me this whole time, even when I was rude to you and pushed you away. You've saved my life so many times that I don't think I could ever repay you for it. And your wish is... it's beautiful, Saber. I can't imagine a more beautiful wish to see fulfilled by the Grail.
[ and that's why it hurts to know that she can't be the one to fulfill it. as she is now, it's fine, since she has no powers and no way to corrode saber's values, but imagining how different things could be is enough to turn her blood to ice. ]
I'm sorry. If you'd like me to leave, I will.
no subject
... But that wouldn't be her, would it? Even when she wasn't his Master, she had no problems with him as he was, except when getting mad when he tried pulling stupid moves to protect her. She was worried about betraying him. That she would end up selling him out, when it wasn't even the smallest of worries for him?
But it's clear to him, as she speaks, that that's something she didn't even need to worry about. ]
Don't.
[ It's a quiet request for her not to leave, but he coughs to clear his throat. ]
I'm not a good person, Ayaka. But I'd hoped that you wouldn't have to see most of my sins, in some sort of selfish wish to shield you from the worst of it. Fate may have had other plans, but it does not mean that this is something that you need or deserve to have on your shoulders.
[ They're sharing so much of the consequences, he feels he needs at least this. All he can do is take and take, and this is just the logical next step, right? ]
But if it will not stop you from being my Master, then I have no choice but to take that resolve, too. After all, I would never have finally found my wish for the Grail without you. This does not happen without you here.
[ He reaches out and takes her chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting her head up so he can meet her gaze again. ]
So, please. Stay.
1/2
but as he keeps talking, about how he's not a good person and how he wanted to protect her from that part of himself, she realizes that these are saber's genuine emotions. with her heart pounding in her chest, she wants to refute that she couldn't have possibly done anything to help saber come up with such a beautifully selfless wish, when all she does is take from and bring ruin to others-- but nothing comes out.
and then he's tilting her head up so delicately that she doesn't resist it. looking up, her blue eyes meet saber's red, and she hears his genuine request once more. ]
2/2
[ it's a beautiful scene, she realizes. like straight out of a movie, with a girl and her prince. selfishly, she can't help but feel a small joy over this, along with relief that saber would ask her to stay--but that is quickly suffocated by the truth she has been avoiding this whole time.
she glances down, and then back up at richard. ]
I have one more thing that I need to tell you. It's... it's about myself...about what I remembered about myself in Snowfield, right before coming here.
[ once again, she's afraid. afraid of whether it will change his perception of her and how. now that she's unable to look away from him, however, she feels like she has no choice but to face the truth. ]
no subject
What did you remember?
[ He knows it's not going to matter either way, but he can see the worry on her face. ]
no subject
[ suddenly, she feels like it’s hard to breathe. it takes a couple attempts for the words to come out, shaky and pained. ]
I’m not Ayaka Sajyou. Not the real one, at least. I’m not even human. I’m… the Red Riding Hood. The one I’ve been seeing this whole time.
no subject
So, what is it that you've been seeing this whole time? Simply a reflection of yourself?
no subject
[ perhaps? a funhouse reflection of herself, magnified and distorted by all the changes that were forced onto her. ]
I just had so much guilt over being given this body... I had...have so much blood on my hands because of what I am that I guess it wasn't hard for that woman to use magecraft or whatever on me to make me think she was a curse that would chase me all the way into the Holy Grail War.
[ and yet the girl had never actually meant her harm, did she? she smiled at her, wished her good luck... maybe, despite it all, she was only meant to serve as a guide, rather than a fearsome ghost. ]
no subject
[ He seems to think for a second. ]
Do you feel any different, now that you've remembered?
no subject
[ the humanoid creature torn apart by humans. the little red riding hood of the semina apartments. the mysterious 'person A' who was haunted by the same girl. all of them molded into the same person, a false reflection of ayaka sajyou. ]
While we were in Snowfield, did you ever feel anything off about me? Like you were being influenced or...or something?
no subject
Not at all. The most that I noticed was the vast amount of magical energy you were able to give me, but... not much otherwise.
[ And even then, he had been reticent to take more than he needed to try and take as less energy has he could from her as possible, so... ]
no subject
[ there's a flash of emotion across ayaka's face. surprise, followed by relief, and ultimately confusion. ]
I guess the thing is that... when I'm around people they... I don't know how to describe it. [ she shakes her head. ] I guess the best way to put it is that they go crazy. I'm...not that different from Ish...or from what I've heard about the Holy Grail. I grant wishes but, they never bring anyone happiness. It just drives them insane until eventually they destroy themselves.
[ what would she call it? greed? ayaka can't help but see herself as a sort of bad omen, a creature that amplifies people's greed until they self-destruct. so what does it mean, if saber's never felt himself affected by it? or is her innate trait just that imperceptible? ]
So I thought that, if I were around... I would end up ruining your wish. I'm scared of that, you know. I know you said that you're not a good person but for that reason, I don't want to dirty something so beautiful!
no subject
The worry in his expression fades, that easy smile back on his lips again. ] I assure you, Ayaka, if you've affected me at all up until this point, I haven't been able to tell. Besides, I'm the same as I've ever been during our time here, right?
[ He pokes himself in the cheek a few times, like he's testing the elasticity of his skin. ]
If I had lost myself by now, I'm sure you probably would've been able to tell and put my head back on straight.
[ For all the greed and rage he has simmering under his skin at all times, wouldn't she have had made things worse by now if it was affecting him? Perhaps whatever loyalties to the knight class that's been encoded in him as being summoned as a Saber is enough to resist it? He's got no clue. ]
So I don't see any reason why that you could ever ruin it. I told you – without you, I wouldn't have even come to that realization of what I wanted it to be after so long. You could never dirty it.
no subject
[ nothing to saber, at least. to ayaka, it was almost everything. it felt like she had been deceiving saber, leading him on and towards disaster without neither of them being aware about it. and yet here he is, proudly saying that ayaka could never ruin his wish with that same easy-going smile as ever.
that's right... he hadn't changed one bit from their time in snowfield, had he? he was still the same person that had so stupidly saved her in the opera house and got her arrested.
feeling the sting of tears in her eyes again, she takes off her glasses and sets them aside so that she can properly rub her eyes. this time, however, they're tears of relief. ]
I'm glad, then. I-- I didn't... I didn't want to let you go. I thought I had to but I didn't want to. So I'm glad.
[ glad that she can stay with saber to watch him fulfill his wish. glad that she's not affecting him. and, perhaps, glad that she can be just a little selfish sometimes.
taking a leap of faith, ayaka leans forward to wrap her arms behind richard's neck and pull him into a hug. ]
no subject
A-Ayaka –
[ It takes a good few beats for him to regain his faculties, blinking a few times. He does eventually return the gesture, though, pulling her closer as he wraps his arms around her.
He chuckles shakily at that, trying to will his ears to stop being red. ] You always worry about the silliest things.
[ Even if she was somehow corrupting him, truth be told, he's not completely sure he'd mind that much. It's not like he's ever really stopped himself from being so selfish, after all. If he was dragged down with her as a result, then so be it. ]
no subject
[ as saber pulls her close, she realizes just exactly what she had done. thank whatever deity is above that in this position saber can't see the red on her face and that her hair covers her ears.
but she doesn't pull away. instead, she buries her face in saber's shoulder, groaning in embarrassment. ]
Ugh, I'm sorry. I...didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.
[ after all of this, the last thing she needs to be doing is causing more trouble for saber. ]
no subject
[ He sighs, willing himself to relax somewhat as he leans his head against hers. ]
Is this okay?
no subject
having always preferred solitude, she realizes that she's unused to any type of affection. therefore, she's not sure about what to do next. should she pull away? not when he's leaning on her as well, right?
she lets out another shaky breath. uncertain, but never quite willing to give up. ]
Yeah. This is fine... it's nice.
[ she doesn't deserve nice. she'll take it anyways. ]