[ as richard sighs, ayaka finally lets whatever bravado was holding her up crumble like a sand castle. like a puppet with its strings cut, she buries her face in her hands, and simply starts sobbing. ]
[ He moves to console her, but stops. It's not right for him to try and do that – after all, is he not the one who dragged her into this in the first place? ]
... I'm sorry.
[ He doesn't regret it, but it doesn't mean he likes it. ]
[ saber's apologizing? what for? it's her fault for dragging him into this. if she had done the right thing and simply confessed, if she hadn't done what she did to blade... if she hadn't followed along with andrew when she knew that the other girl was wrong...
so many sins, all stacked on top of her like weights. siobhan's blood is on her hands, and now so is siffrin's. how many more people's lives is she going to take?
her words fail her as she continues to sob, but she replies to him with a shake of her head. "it's not your fault" she wants to say, "it's mine." ]
[ He makes a concerned face, like he knows what she's trying to say, but he doesn't say anything about it. What else can he do? He managed to protect her, but in doing so put someone else at fault for something they didn't do. The price was worth paying it, he knows that, but for Ayaka...
He gently puts his hand on her shoulder. ]
Do you want to sit down?
[ He thinks he should probably block the door to prevent anyone from his suite to come in (it hits him as ironic, thinking about Shiv trying to block him in), but decides against it. ]
[ ayaka's sobs stop soon after she feels richard's hand on her shoulder, slowly reduced down to shuddering breaths. richard's voice feels distant to her ear, muffled by her accumulated anxiety that overwhelms her.
ayaka turns towards him, but her gaze immediately shifts downwards out of guilt. ]
If... you don't mind. [ her ankle fucking hurts, man. ] I... I can wait while you change out of your armor, if you want.
I don't mind either way. It's probably best if you take the weight off your ankle, anyway.
[ Once she has her pick of the place to sit, he steps out of the room for a moment to go get the medicinal vial from his things, making sure that the spray bottle is better hidden until he can dispose of it. Once he's satisfied, he comes back by Ayaka, handing her the bottle. ]
There should be enough for one more dose, if you need it.
[ It's going to go away in a few days, but that doesn't mean she needs to suffer through it. ]
[ she takes her seat, slumped against the back of it in exhaustion, her head turned towards the ceiling. each time she closes her eyes, she can see flashes of the moment she stabbed her. the horrified look in siobhan's eyes, the sight of the knife buried in her body, and [ ].
...they said that she had been stabbed twice, but ayaka only remembers once. so what's missing from her memory?
from the corner of her eye, she sees richard returning, and she scoots to the side to give him some space to sit down as well, if he so chooses. she takes the bottle, staring at it blankly. ]
Thanks. Though I might have to take it later if we still have to get through today and...tomorrow.
[ when siffrin is executed for a crime they didn't commit. ]
[ even with his armor, she still tries to jab him lightly with her elbow.
in a way he's right. they're all so focused with the fact that they voted for an innocent party, that maybe if she does a good enough job at hiding her limp, it'll be fine. though the last thing that she really wants to do is aggravate the injury to the point that it's impossible to disguise, so maybe it's better if she lays low for now.
besides, it's not like she has any energy for anything at the moment. ]
I turned Blade into a frog. [ she scoffs, not at the thought of blade as a frog, but at her own foolishness. ] What a stupid way to panic. I'm sorry about that.
[ He flashes her a somewhat apologetic smile, letting her elbow him as much as she needs. ]
I was wondering if that was you. [ As far as he knew she hadn't used hers up until that point, but he can't be informed about everything at this point. He suddenly realizes how much he's been missing Loxley and the others these last 36 hours. ]
It was a good strategy, panic or not – at the very least, it served as a valuable way to waste the valuable time that was left.
[ And with Andrew's accusation... somehow things seemed to fall in place after that. ]
There's nothing to apologize for. You did good, Ayaka. [ As much as he wishes she didn't have to. ]
[ she wants to say that she doesn't feel like she did any good, but that fact is already more than obvious in the way that she had just been openly sobbing no more than 10 minutes ago.
she leans her head against the backrest of the sofa, staring up at the ceiling and closing her eyes. upon immediately seeing the same fast forwarded scene that's been practically burned into the backs of her eyelids, she opens them, and turns towards saber. ]
...
[ siobhan called him an attack dog. chara called him a weapon. ayaka doesn't want to see him as either, but considering that saber has never refuted either statement, she wonders just how he feels about it. she called herself his master, but... is she actually fit to do this? ]
Saber... [ she's not naive. but her desire to escape from those agonizing moments is blocking her memory. she has seen his memories and she knows what he was capable of. if saber had come before everyone else had woken up, then... ] Was I the one that killed Siobhan?
[ regardless of the answer, the result remains the same. siobhan is dead, and she's responsible for it, one way or another. whether it's by landing the killing blow or by forcing saber to be in the position of having to take her out of her misery. ]
[ As Ayaka leans back and they fall into a quiet, Richard takes it as his cue to start removing pieces of his armor, placing the discarded pieces on a nearby chair. Should he even be here? Should he not have fallen on the sword, as was his plan should even the slightest bit of doubt went her way? Perhaps he should just be glad nothing actually went up her way, but he can't deny that it still feels strange, having expected it to go down a completely different way.
When she finally asks him, he stops what he's doing, and looks back at her. It doesn't take a single amount of deliberation for a definitive answer: ]
No.
[ It's short, and confident enough to try and ensure that there's no room for doubt. ] The strike in the chest was not your doing.
[ ayaka freezes at the answer. even though she had logically expected it, it doesn't make the reality of it any easier. with the confirmation, the memories that were dammed are free to flow. she remembers seeing richard arrive, lightning crackling at his feet, picking up the knife and bringing it down into siobhan's chest in a fluid motion.
suddenly, it feels hard to breathe again, as the memory washes over her again like poison. in the darkness, it had been difficult to see siobhan's corpse and, in the trial, ayaka had made an effort to ignore siobhan's corpse, because she's not sure she would have been able to keep it together if she had gotten close to it. ]
[ but instead of screaming or letting her tears fall again, ayaka closes her eyes, straightens her back, and draws in a shaky breath to calm herself down.
instead of the usual scene that's been playing on loop of siobhan dying, this time, she hears the words of that strange man that followed richard around-- the words she heard before she saw the field of beheaded corpses, painting the ground a deep, deep red.
'When it's all said and done, I ask you to please accept him as he is. It means nothing if I, someone who lived his time, do it. It must be you, someone who lived a different time.'
without thinking, ayaka leans forward, to grab his hand with both of hers. as if he would disappear into thin air if she let him go. ]
Saber.
[ her voice trembles. he has covered his hands in blood for her sake, even though she's so undeserving of it. ]
I'm sorry. [ she's undeserving of this. in her heart, she knows that she should have been tried tonight. but here she is now, with her and saber both safe for now. ] And thank you.
Edited (had to make it worse for us; i need to be put down) 2025-03-25 03:33 (UTC)
[ In all honesty, Richard half-expected her to yell at him, like she's been doing all the way up until now. And to be fair, isn't that what the right reaction to this is? She'd been mad at him pulling other stupid stunts to try and protect her, is this fundamentally no different?
So when she takes his hand, he tenses slightly, surprise clearly painted on his face. ]
Ayaka...?
[ He's not sure what to say, exactly. It was so much easier to try and play a lot of it off like he was just being needlessly agggressive, and trying his best to distract from the point, but this...
Even if it wasn't the outcome he was planning for or expecting, it still resulted in her safety. And wasn't that what really mattered to him, deep down? With the amount of blood that's on Richard the Lionheart's hands, adding two people to that count doesn't even register as a drop in the bucket to him. For her, he'd bear the responsibility for it all over again. As many times as this place traps them in the loop, he'd do it again and again.
After all, if Ish won't honor the wish to protect her here, then he still has work to do, right? ]
There's nothing to apologize for. [ a broken record, but it bears repeating. ] I wasn't about to let her have the last laugh.
[ If anything, Siobhan Roy should be glad she only went out with a knife to the chest. ]
[ despite the initial terror of finding herself awake while saber wasn't, a small part of her hadn't given up hope that somehow, he would help her. and help her she did...at the cost of two lives. that will weigh on her shoulders forever, along with the kind college student that had given ayaka their body, the mage couple that ripped each other apart, and god knows how many others.
hwylryn had asked her if she valued one life above another when asked about andrew and siffrin. in that moment, she had said that she couldn't. but with saber next to him, responsible for a crime that he committed to save her life, she can't help but feel that her answer would have changed if the person in question had been him. ]
I'm mad that you set the library on fire and put everyone else in danger. That was so stupid of you that I can't even begin to describe it.
[ she huffs out a sigh through her nose, looking down at their hands. ]
But I'm going to help you carry the weight of Siffrin and Siobhan's deaths. I don't care if you tell me that it's nothing for you. I'm... not taking no for an answer, so don't even try.
[ the same way that saber didn't give up on her earlier, she won't let him carry everything on his own. ]
[ At the mention of the library, sweats a little. ]
That... was not my intention. The door was blocked by her barricades, and I was trying to circumvent them and... while the lightning proved to be helpful, it seemed to have gotten a little out of hand. [ the power of the tunnel vision is real. ] I won't make any excuses for it, though – that was my fault.
[ Not to mention that wasting time trying to put it out would've meant that he would show up too late. As much as killing everyone from smoke inhalation was ideal...
He stills, looking down and away as she keeps going, feeling himself get more sheepish. ]
You don't... have to.
[ Yes, she just said she wouldn't take a no, but he can't help himself. It doesn't seem to have as much behind it as it normally would, if it helps. ]
[ what an odd sight, to see her boisterous and larger-than-life servant become so sheepish while she realizes how unnaturally bold she's being. well, it's not like either of them are good at being honest with their feelings, so maybe it's natural that this would happen when one confronted the other.
she just didn't think it would be herself that would be doing it. ]
Even if you say that I don't have to— [ and she feels like she does. this is as much her doing as his, even if he was the one to deal the finishing blow ] —I still want to.
[ because they're a team. because throughout these weeks she has realized just how important saber is to her, and that means he doesn't want to leave him on his own. ]
I've already... um... seen some of it anyways. Your memories, I mean. Back when we were in Snowfield.
[ might as well confess to that, since they've already gone ahead and gotten away with murder. ]
[ A small noise escapes the back of his throat in reply. Isn't it funny, how all this time he was selfishly letting himself carry her responsibilites, regardless of whether she wanted it or not, and now the roles were swapped? Perhaps it's just the natural byproduct of her becoming more assured in her role as a Master, he thinks. Or his selfishness is just rubbing off on her. Heaven knows that he's got plenty of it to spare.
Still, her resolve is something that he is more than happy to support until the bitter end, even if he knows that there's no saving him in the long run. But for Ayaka, on the other hand... ]
I won't stand in your way, Ayaka. Take whatever you can.
[ ... he might argue about her laying claim to nearly killing everyone in the library, though. ]
[ no, the library is his mess to keep. though had anyone been gravely injured from it, then maybe the story would have been different.
with that agreed upon, however... ]
Uh... well, yes, but...
[ now that she thinks about it, it's a little strange. that was the only memory that she saw of richard's that didn't involve that odd man's intervention. so was he purposefully trying to connect her to those times? she's not sure. ]
Listen, the only reason I didn't tell you at first was because I didn't think it was real. I mean, think about it from my perspective— it's a lot to take in when a guy comes in driving a car in old Europe. But um, I think that guy called Saint Germain or whatever has also been showing me parts of your past. Talking to me through you. Like when you met him and when...
[ she saw red and white mixed together in the most macabre painting. she draws in a shuddering breath as the sight of siobhan's corpse and all of those come together in her mind. ]
When I saw all those people that were killed. During one of your wars, I guess.
[ Realization seems to dawn on him as it sort of all clicks together. That would explain why he would randomly start doing strange rituals like that, wouldn't it? Which sort of begs the question of how he knew that in the first place, but after a certain point he's kind of accepted that he barely knew what Saint Germain was really up to.
When she mentions the massacre, though, his hands pull back from hers. He was afraid of this happening, even if might've just been an inevitability. ]
You actually saw it?
[ He knows Saint Germain had something about looking away and covering ears. They'd finally made their pact official by that point, so maybe it's not surprising, but... ]
[ she shrinks back when saber pulls his hand from her, her hands held together against her chest so tightly that she can feel her nails pressing into her skin. her heart pounds with fear; she shouldn't have said this. she should have kept her mouth shut and kept it to herself, just like how it seems that she'll be keeping these murders for the rest of her life.
ashamed of her mistake, she hangs her head, staring at a blank space on the couch between them. ]
I didn't want to turn a blind eye to who you are. If I only knew one side of you and ignored the rest then... then what kind of Master... no, what kind of person would I be? [ though that gets her to laugh bitterly. she's no good as either, it seems. ] So I saw it. And it really was one of the worst things I've ever seen but...
[ but... ]
It hasn't stopped me. From wanting to be your Master. Or from wanting to make your wish come true. Because you're more than just that to me. You're a headstrong, stubborn, and fearless idiot, but you've been nothing but kind to me, caring for me this whole time, even when I was rude to you and pushed you away. You've saved my life so many times that I don't think I could ever repay you for it. And your wish is... it's beautiful, Saber. I can't imagine a more beautiful wish to see fulfilled by the Grail.
[ and that's why it hurts to know that she can't be the one to fulfill it. as she is now, it's fine, since she has no powers and no way to corrode saber's values, but imagining how different things could be is enough to turn her blood to ice. ]
[ For as proud as he is, the worry is clearly etched on Richard's face. It's not something he ever wanted her to see, to not have to worry about when there was already so much danger around them in Snowfield. She shouldn't have to see him in this light when he's already dragged her through so much suffering as it is.
... But that wouldn't be her, would it? Even when she wasn't his Master, she had no problems with him as he was, except when getting mad when he tried pulling stupid moves to protect her. She was worried about betraying him. That she would end up selling him out, when it wasn't even the smallest of worries for him?
But it's clear to him, as she speaks, that that's something she didn't even need to worry about. ]
Don't.
[ It's a quiet request for her not to leave, but he coughs to clear his throat. ]
I'm not a good person, Ayaka. But I'd hoped that you wouldn't have to see most of my sins, in some sort of selfish wish to shield you from the worst of it. Fate may have had other plans, but it does not mean that this is something that you need or deserve to have on your shoulders.
[ They're sharing so much of the consequences, he feels he needs at least this. All he can do is take and take, and this is just the logical next step, right? ]
But if it will not stop you from being my Master, then I have no choice but to take that resolve, too. After all, I would never have finally found my wish for the Grail without you. This does not happen without you here.
[ He reaches out and takes her chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting her head up so he can meet her gaze again. ]
[ with her head still hanging low, her eyes open wide when she hears saber ask her to stay. in the back of her head, she doubts it as anything other than an auditory hallucination, a desperate desire for some sort of comfort after everything in the past two days.
but as he keeps talking, about how he's not a good person and how he wanted to protect her from that part of himself, she realizes that these are saber's genuine emotions. with her heart pounding in her chest, she wants to refute that she couldn't have possibly done anything to help saber come up with such a beautifully selfless wish, when all she does is take from and bring ruin to others-- but nothing comes out.
and then he's tilting her head up so delicately that she doesn't resist it. looking up, her blue eyes meet saber's red, and she hears his genuine request once more. ]
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... I'm sorry.
[ He doesn't regret it, but it doesn't mean he likes it. ]
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so many sins, all stacked on top of her like weights. siobhan's blood is on her hands, and now so is siffrin's. how many more people's lives is she going to take?
her words fail her as she continues to sob, but she replies to him with a shake of her head. "it's not your fault" she wants to say, "it's mine." ]
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He gently puts his hand on her shoulder. ]
Do you want to sit down?
[ He thinks he should probably block the door to prevent anyone from his suite to come in (it hits him as ironic, thinking about Shiv trying to block him in), but decides against it. ]
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ayaka turns towards him, but her gaze immediately shifts downwards out of guilt. ]
If... you don't mind. [ her ankle fucking hurts, man. ] I... I can wait while you change out of your armor, if you want.
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I don't mind either way. It's probably best if you take the weight off your ankle, anyway.
[ Once she has her pick of the place to sit, he steps out of the room for a moment to go get the medicinal vial from his things, making sure that the spray bottle is better hidden until he can dispose of it. Once he's satisfied, he comes back by Ayaka, handing her the bottle. ]
There should be enough for one more dose, if you need it.
[ It's going to go away in a few days, but that doesn't mean she needs to suffer through it. ]
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...they said that she had been stabbed twice, but ayaka only remembers once. so what's missing from her memory?
from the corner of her eye, she sees richard returning, and she scoots to the side to give him some space to sit down as well, if he so chooses. she takes the bottle, staring at it blankly. ]
Thanks. Though I might have to take it later if we still have to get through today and...tomorrow.
[ when siffrin is executed for a crime they didn't commit. ]
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Mm, true. At the very least, most people should have their attentions diverted elsewhere for tomorrow, that it might not be as much of an issue.
[ A little harsh, maybe...? He doesn't seem to care, if he notices it. ]
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[ even with his armor, she still tries to jab him lightly with her elbow.
in a way he's right. they're all so focused with the fact that they voted for an innocent party, that maybe if she does a good enough job at hiding her limp, it'll be fine. though the last thing that she really wants to do is aggravate the injury to the point that it's impossible to disguise, so maybe it's better if she lays low for now.
besides, it's not like she has any energy for anything at the moment. ]
I turned Blade into a frog. [ she scoffs, not at the thought of blade as a frog, but at her own foolishness. ] What a stupid way to panic. I'm sorry about that.
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I was wondering if that was you. [ As far as he knew she hadn't used hers up until that point, but he can't be informed about everything at this point. He suddenly realizes how much he's been missing Loxley and the others these last 36 hours. ]
It was a good strategy, panic or not – at the very least, it served as a valuable way to waste the valuable time that was left.
[ And with Andrew's accusation... somehow things seemed to fall in place after that. ]
There's nothing to apologize for. You did good, Ayaka. [ As much as he wishes she didn't have to. ]
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she leans her head against the backrest of the sofa, staring up at the ceiling and closing her eyes. upon immediately seeing the same fast forwarded scene that's been practically burned into the backs of her eyelids, she opens them, and turns towards saber. ]
...
[ siobhan called him an attack dog. chara called him a weapon. ayaka doesn't want to see him as either, but considering that saber has never refuted either statement, she wonders just how he feels about it. she called herself his master, but... is she actually fit to do this? ]
Saber... [ she's not naive. but her desire to escape from those agonizing moments is blocking her memory. she has seen his memories and she knows what he was capable of. if saber had come before everyone else had woken up, then... ] Was I the one that killed Siobhan?
[ regardless of the answer, the result remains the same. siobhan is dead, and she's responsible for it, one way or another. whether it's by landing the killing blow or by forcing saber to be in the position of having to take her out of her misery. ]
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When she finally asks him, he stops what he's doing, and looks back at her. It doesn't take a single amount of deliberation for a definitive answer: ]
No.
[ It's short, and confident enough to try and ensure that there's no room for doubt. ] The strike in the chest was not your doing.
1/2
[ ayaka freezes at the answer. even though she had logically expected it, it doesn't make the reality of it any easier. with the confirmation, the memories that were dammed are free to flow. she remembers seeing richard arrive, lightning crackling at his feet, picking up the knife and bringing it down into siobhan's chest in a fluid motion.
suddenly, it feels hard to breathe again, as the memory washes over her again like poison. in the darkness, it had been difficult to see siobhan's corpse and, in the trial, ayaka had made an effort to ignore siobhan's corpse, because she's not sure she would have been able to keep it together if she had gotten close to it. ]
2/2
instead of the usual scene that's been playing on loop of siobhan dying, this time, she hears the words of that strange man that followed richard around-- the words she heard before she saw the field of beheaded corpses, painting the ground a deep, deep red.
'When it's all said and done, I ask you to please accept him as he is. It means nothing if I, someone who lived his time, do it. It must be you, someone who lived a different time.'
without thinking, ayaka leans forward, to grab his hand with both of hers. as if he would disappear into thin air if she let him go. ]
Saber.
[ her voice trembles. he has covered his hands in blood for her sake, even though she's so undeserving of it. ]
I'm sorry. [ she's undeserving of this. in her heart, she knows that she should have been tried tonight. but here she is now, with her and saber both safe for now. ] And thank you.
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So when she takes his hand, he tenses slightly, surprise clearly painted on his face. ]
Ayaka...?
[ He's not sure what to say, exactly. It was so much easier to try and play a lot of it off like he was just being needlessly agggressive, and trying his best to distract from the point, but this...
Even if it wasn't the outcome he was planning for or expecting, it still resulted in her safety. And wasn't that what really mattered to him, deep down? With the amount of blood that's on Richard the Lionheart's hands, adding two people to that count doesn't even register as a drop in the bucket to him. For her, he'd bear the responsibility for it all over again. As many times as this place traps them in the loop, he'd do it again and again.
After all, if Ish won't honor the wish to protect her here, then he still has work to do, right? ]
There's nothing to apologize for. [ a broken record, but it bears repeating. ] I wasn't about to let her have the last laugh.
[ If anything, Siobhan Roy should be glad she only went out with a knife to the chest. ]
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[ despite the initial terror of finding herself awake while saber wasn't, a small part of her hadn't given up hope that somehow, he would help her. and help her she did...at the cost of two lives. that will weigh on her shoulders forever, along with the kind college student that had given ayaka their body, the mage couple that ripped each other apart, and god knows how many others.
hwylryn had asked her if she valued one life above another when asked about andrew and siffrin. in that moment, she had said that she couldn't. but with saber next to him, responsible for a crime that he committed to save her life, she can't help but feel that her answer would have changed if the person in question had been him. ]
I'm mad that you set the library on fire and put everyone else in danger. That was so stupid of you that I can't even begin to describe it.
[ she huffs out a sigh through her nose, looking down at their hands. ]
But I'm going to help you carry the weight of Siffrin and Siobhan's deaths. I don't care if you tell me that it's nothing for you. I'm... not taking no for an answer, so don't even try.
[ the same way that saber didn't give up on her earlier, she won't let him carry everything on his own. ]
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That... was not my intention. The door was blocked by her barricades, and I was trying to circumvent them and... while the lightning proved to be helpful, it seemed to have gotten a little out of hand. [ the power of the tunnel vision is real. ] I won't make any excuses for it, though – that was my fault.
[ Not to mention that wasting time trying to put it out would've meant that he would show up too late. As much as killing everyone from smoke inhalation was ideal...
He stills, looking down and away as she keeps going, feeling himself get more sheepish. ]
You don't... have to.
[ Yes, she just said she wouldn't take a no, but he can't help himself. It doesn't seem to have as much behind it as it normally would, if it helps. ]
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she just didn't think it would be herself that would be doing it. ]
Even if you say that I don't have to— [ and she feels like she does. this is as much her doing as his, even if he was the one to deal the finishing blow ] —I still want to.
[ because they're a team. because throughout these weeks she has realized just how important saber is to her, and that means he doesn't want to leave him on his own. ]
I've already... um... seen some of it anyways. Your memories, I mean. Back when we were in Snowfield.
[ might as well confess to that, since they've already gone ahead and gotten away with murder. ]
1/2
Still, her resolve is something that he is more than happy to support until the bitter end, even if he knows that there's no saving him in the long run. But for Ayaka, on the other hand... ]
I won't stand in your way, Ayaka. Take whatever you can.
[ ... he might argue about her laying claim to nearly killing everyone in the library, though. ]
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... You mentioned it in the church, didn't you? You saw ones with my mother.
[ He can already feel the urge to lay down on the floor creeping up his spine. ]
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with that agreed upon, however... ]
Uh... well, yes, but...
[ now that she thinks about it, it's a little strange. that was the only memory that she saw of richard's that didn't involve that odd man's intervention. so was he purposefully trying to connect her to those times? she's not sure. ]
Listen, the only reason I didn't tell you at first was because I didn't think it was real. I mean, think about it from my perspective— it's a lot to take in when a guy comes in driving a car in old Europe. But um, I think that guy called Saint Germain or whatever has also been showing me parts of your past. Talking to me through you. Like when you met him and when...
[ she saw red and white mixed together in the most macabre painting. she draws in a shuddering breath as the sight of siobhan's corpse and all of those come together in her mind. ]
When I saw all those people that were killed. During one of your wars, I guess.
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When she mentions the massacre, though, his hands pull back from hers. He was afraid of this happening, even if might've just been an inevitability. ]
You actually saw it?
[ He knows Saint Germain had something about looking away and covering ears. They'd finally made their pact official by that point, so maybe it's not surprising, but... ]
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[ she shrinks back when saber pulls his hand from her, her hands held together against her chest so tightly that she can feel her nails pressing into her skin. her heart pounds with fear; she shouldn't have said this. she should have kept her mouth shut and kept it to herself, just like how it seems that she'll be keeping these murders for the rest of her life.
ashamed of her mistake, she hangs her head, staring at a blank space on the couch between them. ]
I didn't want to turn a blind eye to who you are. If I only knew one side of you and ignored the rest then... then what kind of Master... no, what kind of person would I be? [ though that gets her to laugh bitterly. she's no good as either, it seems. ] So I saw it. And it really was one of the worst things I've ever seen but...
[ but... ]
It hasn't stopped me. From wanting to be your Master. Or from wanting to make your wish come true. Because you're more than just that to me. You're a headstrong, stubborn, and fearless idiot, but you've been nothing but kind to me, caring for me this whole time, even when I was rude to you and pushed you away. You've saved my life so many times that I don't think I could ever repay you for it. And your wish is... it's beautiful, Saber. I can't imagine a more beautiful wish to see fulfilled by the Grail.
[ and that's why it hurts to know that she can't be the one to fulfill it. as she is now, it's fine, since she has no powers and no way to corrode saber's values, but imagining how different things could be is enough to turn her blood to ice. ]
I'm sorry. If you'd like me to leave, I will.
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... But that wouldn't be her, would it? Even when she wasn't his Master, she had no problems with him as he was, except when getting mad when he tried pulling stupid moves to protect her. She was worried about betraying him. That she would end up selling him out, when it wasn't even the smallest of worries for him?
But it's clear to him, as she speaks, that that's something she didn't even need to worry about. ]
Don't.
[ It's a quiet request for her not to leave, but he coughs to clear his throat. ]
I'm not a good person, Ayaka. But I'd hoped that you wouldn't have to see most of my sins, in some sort of selfish wish to shield you from the worst of it. Fate may have had other plans, but it does not mean that this is something that you need or deserve to have on your shoulders.
[ They're sharing so much of the consequences, he feels he needs at least this. All he can do is take and take, and this is just the logical next step, right? ]
But if it will not stop you from being my Master, then I have no choice but to take that resolve, too. After all, I would never have finally found my wish for the Grail without you. This does not happen without you here.
[ He reaches out and takes her chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting her head up so he can meet her gaze again. ]
So, please. Stay.
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but as he keeps talking, about how he's not a good person and how he wanted to protect her from that part of himself, she realizes that these are saber's genuine emotions. with her heart pounding in her chest, she wants to refute that she couldn't have possibly done anything to help saber come up with such a beautifully selfless wish, when all she does is take from and bring ruin to others-- but nothing comes out.
and then he's tilting her head up so delicately that she doesn't resist it. looking up, her blue eyes meet saber's red, and she hears his genuine request once more. ]
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